MIA
by MudbloodGleek
Summary: "Of course I love him, Kurt! Of course I do! But I can't keep holding on to the hope that he'll come back. He's been missing too long. I have to move on eventually Kurt. I have to. He'd want me to, Kurt. Can't you see that? Can't you see how much I love him? I'll always love him! I will always love him!"


**A oneshot inspired my utter sadness at the end of season 3. I know, I know. It ended ages ago but this took me awhile to write. I had half yearly exams and other Year 10 mumbo jumbo and now Year 11 stuff to organise in the middle of the SECOND TERM! (Like who does that? We don't start Year 11 until Feburary next year)... I've been busy. Anyway, enjoy kids! (:**

* * *

It's like an endless nightmare. An endless screaming, thrashing in the night. It taunts her. When she's not sleeping she's thinking about it. She's flunking NYADA and her Dad's are getting ever worried. Her roommate moved out weeks ago. She just couldn't take the screaming anymore. So now she sleeps alone in her dorm room. The dorm staffs know about the nightmares but they don't do anything about it, they don't kick her out. She kind of wishes they would because she'd move in with Santana and then maybe she'd have some relief at night.

"...Rachel? Rach?"

"Hmm? Sorry, what?" Rachel says, brought out of her daze. Annabeth rolls her eyes in exasperation and sighs out dramatically.

"Rachel Berry, what goes on in your mind during the days?" Annabeth asks her. Rachel shrugs and goes back to staring out of the coffee shop absentmindedly. Annabeth rolls her eyes again and starts talking. "I swear it, if I don't get it out of you I'll get it out of Santana. She's not nearly as ruthless as you say she is." Annabeth smirks because she knows that doubting Santana's ferocity is bound to get Rachel engaged in conversation.

"She's never gone Lima Heights on you before," Rachel replies. Annabeth looks across at Rachel with a confused expression but Rachel is just smirking slightly. "Don't ever, ever, ever get on Satan's bad side, Anna. You will regret the day you decided to cross her," is the only advice Rachel offers Annabeth.

"She can't be that bad, Rach. Can she? Ugh. Anyway, honestly Rach, I'm worried about you. I already had to move out because of the nightmares. What's going on? What are you thinking about?"

"Just an old friend," Rachel replies, eyes teary as she plays with the ring still wrapped firmly around her finger.

* * *

"_Rach?" Kurt asks. Rachel lifts her head from her studying and looks up at her friend. She feels rude for studying while he's visiting but she has to or she'll risk failing. "Rachel, he's been declared MIA. He's gone. He's missing."_

"_Wait, what?" she asks. She closes her books and spins around to face Kurt. "Kurt? You're lying. You're tricking me. This is all some kind of horrible, horrible joke. You're just trying to freak me out. He's not gone. He hasn't been... he... he hasn't. He c-can't have. No... no he... oh my god." Rachel's sobbing by the end of it and she can't form full sentences anymore. Kurt bends down and wraps his arms around the sobbing girl as she pushes against him. "No... no..." she keeps mumbling softly._

"_Kurt!" Santana screams as she waltzes into the room. "Kurt? Oh shit. You told her. I told you not to tell." Santana cusses. "Rach? Rach, honey, you're going to be fine. It's all going to be fine. I promise you, Rachel. I promise you."_

Rachel wakes up in a sobbing, screaming mess. Her bed is wet with sweat and Annabeth is crouched beside the bed. She breathes out heavily and tears are still falling silently down her cheeks. She's finding it harder and harder to hold her control in Annabeth's presence.

"Rachel? Rachel, honey, what happened? I heard you. You were so, so loud tonight. What happened honey?"

"Anna... Annabeth... he... he went... he _left _me! I want... I want him back!" Rachel sobs and Annabeth climbs into her bed. "Santa... Santana. C-call Santana,"

"Sure honey, I'll call her."

* * *

They wake up in the morning. All three of them squished on Rachel's small dorm room bed. Santana was so quick to arrive, having been allowed special considerations for entry into the dorms. Rachel's in the middle of the group, her eyes puffy and red. Santana groans loudly and sits up, letting out a heavy sigh.

"Oh _god_!" she groans. "Look at us!" She gestures to the three of them and they all break out into laughter, the first genuine smile on Rachel's face for weeks. "Rachel," Santana says when they've calmed down, "you owe Beth an explanation. Rachel, it's time to tell her."

"Mmm, no." Rachel shakes her head. "You do it,"

"Rachel had a boyfriend before we moved here," Santana says, turning to Annabeth, "and they were in love. They were going to get married. But they didn't. He broke up with her and then joined the army and if that wasn't crushing enough. A few months ago, when Kurt visited, we found out that..." Santana takes a break, collecting herself as she begins to well up, "...that he went MIA. And she... the both of us are having a hard time dealing with it. He means so much to us, to everyone back home." Santana has tears falling down her face and Rachel is silently sobbing again.

"Oh god. Rach, Tana, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"Don't be." Rachel says. "It's not your fault. I love him, and he's gone. He's MIA and I'm probably never going to see him again. He haunts my dreams and my thoughts. But I'll survive. I always do."

"No one deserves this, Rach, Tana. No one. He'll be back. I promise, I know he'll be back."

* * *

"Hey,"

Rachel looks up from her work as a tall, brooding brunette male looms over. She gives a small smile. "Hey,"

"May I?" He gestures to the seat opposite Rachel who smiles and nods her head in approval. He sits opposite her and places his own work on the table. "I'm James. James Fynn." Rachel flinches slightly at his name, haunting images flooding her memory briefly. She pushes them out of her head and offers her hand.

"Nice to meet you James Fynn. I'm Rachel. Rachel Berry."

"It's very nice to meet you. Can I get you a coffee?" he asks. Rachel looks at her phone and then the counter and smiles an apology.

"I'd love to, Mr Fynn, but I can't. I'm actually meeting some friends in fifteen minutes and I have to leave. Another time?" she asks him, hoping she didn't give the wrong idea. He smiles and writes down some numbers on some paper and hands it over.

"Sure, call me when you want to meet Miss Rachel Berry,"

* * *

It's been almost three months since they found out about Finn's MIA status and she's gotten better. She's all but pushed it out of her mind. It's clearly shown now because they don't need to tread around his name anymore. She talks about him more and her dreams have stopped, prompting Annabeth to move back into the room. His picture is even on display with the ring nestled next to it.

She's at a coffee shop in Manhattan, reading one of her endless books while she's on a break from NYADA studies. She gets up and almost falls over another person. She quickly gathers herself and looks up to apologise to the person.

"Oh, I'm so sorry – Hey, James? Right?" The man looks at her confused and she clarifies. "I'm Rachel Berry. We met at a coffee shop a couple of months ago."

"Oh," he says sourly, "you're the girl who never called me."

"I'm really sorry about that..." Rachel looks at the ground. "I'd just found out that my ex-fiancé had gone MIA in Iraq. I wasn't in the right place."

"Oh, well I guess that explains things then," James says, not really caring at all. Rachel smiles.

"I'd really like to make it up to you. Are you free for coffee now?"

"Actually yeah. Wanna sit?" He pulls out a chair and offers it to her, which she gladly accepts. He sits opposite her and gets straight to the point. "So," he says, "what mysteries are hiding behind those eyes of yours Rachel Berry?"

* * *

They spend a good three hours talking without the inevitable coming up in conversation. She actually begins to think that maybe he forgot she'd told him that, but he doesn't and he asks her anyway. It's casual, offhand like they'd been mates their whole lives.

"So, tell us about this ex-fiancé of yours. What's his name?"

"Uh..."Rachel starts. "His name was... it was... Finn Hudson."

"Oh." James exhales. "No wonder you didn't want to meet me for coffee. I thought you looked a little on edge after I'd introduced myself. And now I know why."

"Hey, don't worry about it, James. You weren't to know."

* * *

They've been dating for four months now. Kurt hasn't talked to her for nearly three. He stopped contact with her when he found out that she was dating again. Rachel was heartbroken and Santana went Lima Heights on Kurt, despite being slightly mad that Rachel moved on so quickly.

"_We're dating."_

"_Who's dating?" Kurt asks, disbelief dripping from his voice._

"_Elmo and Abbey! Who do you think, Kurt? Me and James are dating."_

"_That's great, Rach!" Annabeth exclaims excitedly. Kurt looks mortified and Santana just looks... blank. "Don't you think that's great guys?"_

"_How long has this been going on?" Kurt asks, his tone dark and angry. Rachel's face falls when she hears her friend._

"_About a month."_

"_A month?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_You've been dating another guy for a month?" Kurt asks again. Santana still looks blank and Annabeth looks thoroughly confused. Kurt's clearly very mad about this whole thing._

"_Yes, Kurt. I've been dating someone else for a month."_

"_What about Finn? What about my brother, Rachel? Doesn't he exist anymore? Did you just _drop _him when the next cute guy came along? Don't you _love _him anymore?"_

"_Of course I _love _him, Kurt! Of course I do! But I can't keep holding on to the hope that he'll come back. He's been missing too long. I _have _to move on eventually Kurt. I have to. He'd want me to, Kurt. Can't you see that? Can't you _see_ how much I love him? I'll always love him! I will _always _love him!"_

"_No, Rachel. No, I can't. He's your fiancé Rachel!" Kurt exclaims._

"_No he's not. He broke up with me the day he put me on that train."_

"_Santana," Kurt says, exasperated, "you can't seriously support this."_

"_If Rachel is happy, Kurt, then I am happy." Santana says. Kurt looks at her flustered. He throws his hands in the air and walks towards the door._

"_I can't believe you Santana," he says and then he gives one last hateful look at Rachel. "I can't believe you did this to him, Rachel. I just cannot believe you. He loved you. I can't..." and then he walks out._

"_Kurt!" Rachel screams. Annabeth holds her back and tears fall down her eyes as she sees her best friend leave her life. "Santana..."_

"_I can't, Rachel. I can't support you. Not yet. It's too soon. He hasn't been gone long enough. I'm sorry,"_

"Rachel? Baby? Did you hear me?" James brings her out of her thoughts and back to reality. He gives a small frown and pulls her into his arms. "Are you thinking about Kurt again?" She nods silently. "He'll come around, Rach. He's just really hurt. I mean, you were set to marry his brother. You can see where his loyalties lie."

"I just wish he didn't expect me to be sad for the rest of my life." Rachel explains. James nods and pulls her closer to him. She buries her head in his chest and heaves a sigh.

"I know, baby, I know." James says soothingly. "I love you." Rachel pulls back abruptly and looks at him. She pushes all the way out of his arms and steps back slightly.

"What did you just say?" she ask.

"I love you,"

"You love me?" she repeats. "Oh god. Oh no, no, no. This is not happening. This can't be happening."

"What? What's wrong Rachel?" James steps forward and Rachel steps back. Suddenly it clicks and he drops his arms to his sides. "You can't, can you? It's still there, isn't it? You still love him."

"James, I'm so sorry. I just... I can't love anyone else. I don't think I can."

"You never know unless you try,"

"Thing is I have tried. I tried so hard to love you. I really did but he'll always own my heart. I'm sorry James, we can't do this. I can't keep seeing you."

"I know."

"I'm so sorry, James. I have to go." Then Rachel walks away from James Fynn. He watches her go, knowing that everything she said is true. He knew from the start she'd always love mystery Finn Hudson. He watches her figure disappear around a corner and then walks away.

* * *

"...and you just walked away?"

"Well yeah. What could I say Santana? He loves me and I don't love him..." Rachel says again. Santana rolls her eyes. The girls are talking again about Rachel's break up from James Fynn. Rachel is starting to get exasperated with this conversation. She sort of wishes Santana and Annabeth would convince Kurt to talk to her again. But they both seem too caught up with the break up to talk to Kurt.

"So... no more James and Rachel? Rames some would say. Bynn maybe?"

"Shut up Santana!" Rachel chucks a pillow at Santana's face, who laughs out. Kurt walks in through the door expecting to see Santana and Annabeth but stops short in his tracks. Santana looks at him with guilty eyes and Rachel looks on shocked. Annabeth just seems surprised.

"What's she doing here?" Kurt asks.

"Kurt, I couldn't leave her out. This is tradition, she's your best friend." Santana explains. Kurt just rolls his eyes.

"She's no friend of mine." He turns away and reaches for the door. The sound of Rachel's cry stops him short. "What did you just say?"

"We broke up. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go through with it, Kurt. James told me he loved me and I couldn't say it back. I couldn't tell him I loved him when I'm so in love with Finn still. I couldn't."

"Is this true?" Kurt looks across at Santana. Santana shrugs her shoulders and nods her head in way of answer. Annabeth does the exact same. Kurt walks towards Rachel and pulls her up off the lounge. He engulfs her in a tight hug and feels as the tiny girl slowly and cautiously wraps her arms around his waist. "I missed you," he whispers. "I'm so sorry."

"I know," she whispers back and tightens her grip. "I'm sorry too."

"Don't," Kurt pulls back and looks at her with his hands on her shoulders, "you dare apologise to me. You haven't done anything wrong."

"If I hadn't..."

"No. You were right. I was just too stubborn to admit it."

"I still should've talked to you about it..." Rachel says. Kurt shakes his head.

"It's your life Rachel, not mine."

* * *

Rachel lies in her bed, her shoulders shaking from the heaving sobs. She shakes as another sob escapes her trembling lips. When she came home she climbed into her bed and cried. She can't stop thinking about him and it makes her physically sick to think she could ever love someone else. She can only imagine the Dear John letter that Kurt sent him when he found out about what she did. It breaks her heart to know that he might die in the frontline and she may never see him again. Her body shakes again as a sob escapes.

A body slides in the bed next to her and she pushes herself against it, trying to move the body away. She hits her arms against the body and all it does is move closer to her. She thinks it's Annabeth being annoying. Maybe Annabeth heard her sobs.

"Anna," she groans. "Anna, you've got your own bed. Get out." They don't move at all and Rachel groans and extends an elbow into the ribs of her visitor. "Anna! Out!"

"I don't want to." Rachel's breath hitches in her throat. She knows that voice anywhere. Her heart stops beating for a moment and she gasps out in surprise. She shoots up in bed and falters as she looks at his face staring up at her. He sits up and grabs her hand but she pulls her hand away, shocked. "Rach..."

"How?" she asks. "How can you be here? You're missing. You're... you're MIA. They told me. It's been months and months. How is this happening?"

"Rach, baby, stop crying." He reaches up and wipes at the tears on her face. She lets him stroke her face with his thumb and then he reaches in and brushes his lips against hers. It's barely a kiss but it makes her heart skip a beat anyway. He pulls away and looks into her eyes. "I know it's weird. I was. I was missing, babe. And they found me and I got an Honourable Discharge. They said to me that I'll never have to fight again and I can have a 'normal life'. The problem is that whenever I close my eyes it happens all over again and I need it to stop."

"How can I help you forget, Finn? You won't want me when you find out what I did when I thought I'd never see you again." Rachel asks, tears falling down her face again.

"I already know about James Fynn and your relationship. I don't even care, Rach. I love you and that'll never change. I just need to know that you love me too."

"Always."

"I need you to help me forget. I need you to help me be civilian again. I need you, Rach."

"I'm always going to be here, Finn. Don't you ever worry." She leans over and places a kiss on his lips. He deepens the kiss and cups her face in his hand. When he pulls away he looks deep into her eyes and smirks. His smiles makes her weak.

"Good, 'cause I'm gonna marry you, baby. I'm gonna marry you."

* * *

**I own nothing. This is purely for entertainment purposes. **

**Review, please!**


End file.
